Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
