when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
