conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize
