GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
