Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
he laminated a picture of his dick.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
be right there i have to get my cape
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
