You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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