there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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