quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
