so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
