i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
He? As in you personified your dick?
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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