I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
