So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
