thus making me awesome and them whores
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
