I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
