I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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