New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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