My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
