About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
