Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
