You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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