I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
