I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
