Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
