I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
