Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
