if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
