I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
