At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
