I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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