so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
