I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Randomize
