I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Randomize
