found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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