Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
