That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
you had me at cake vodka
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
