I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
