and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
