God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
