I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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