I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
