Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Randomize
