Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
