i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
He literally asked permission to hit on me
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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