just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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