Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Randomize
