Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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