I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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