I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Drunk is not a location!
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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