I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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