can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
