Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Randomize
