You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
