Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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