Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Randomize
