new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
