i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
