Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
