I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
