Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
