The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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