This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
